Asteroid DA14 vs. Shape Shifter

What happens when an insanely fast unstoppable extra planetary 150 mile wide object passes withing 17,200 miles of the earth? You may have made two assumptions, one that it is an asteroid, and two if you remember physics, the earths gravitational force should sling shot this asteroid far into space totally altering its current orbit. This would be logical if science was involved, or this was actually an asteroid.

What is about to happen in space can best be explained with a ninja history lesson. In ancient times a group of ninja's in Japan would wage war on neighboring ninja clans. There was a group of ninja that wore capes while sneaking into castles and keeps at night. They would use these capes to contort their shadows into making them look like beasts and huge monsters, their shadow puppets have never yet been rivaled. These ninja became so feared they were known as shape shifters, and that is the entomology of shape shifter.

A shape shifter has not been spotted for hundreds of years and they were thought to be as extinct as air benders. Their techniques were lost in time, and the time of their disappearance is unknown. Not very surprising when no one knows what they actually looked like in the first place... i digress.

Now everyone knows that ninjas survive in a vacuum and complete darkness, basic ninja training requires holding your breath for months and becoming nocturnal (to develop natural night vision.) After that comes years of burrowing through glaciers in the arctic with their bear hands eating nothing but iced polar bear, and the occasional yeti. Next comes barefoot lava surfing, and volcano cooling/taming. Who else do you think keeps those from erupting all the time? The ninja OF COURSE would have build up a tolerance for extreme temperatures after eating thousands of polar bears and the beetles in the arctic ice cubes that contain alcohol in their blood (so they never freeze solid.) After this space is a simple next step in training. 

Using my ninja intellect I have deduced that DA14 is actually the shape shifting ninja clan coming back from spending the last few hundred years training in the core of the sun and snacking on dark matter. Asteroid DA14 or Dark-matter Assassins ^14th power of black hole blackness? So you might say, "but our telescopes show pictures of a big hunk or rock?" To which i say, how hard would it be for masters of shadow to look like a hunk of rock? CHILD'S PLAY! How simple is that compared to the shadow beasts they modeled hundreds of years ago, before honing their cosmic powers on therm-o-nuclear-fusion?

Maybe you understand now, but are wondering so what? Well since you asked I wont tell you.

HAH! Ok I cant keep a secret from someone who will die after I tell them, because when I tell you I have to kill you ;)

*******CLASSIFIED CAUTION READ ON IF AND ONLY IF YOU HAVE A LIVED A FULL LIFE*******

The DA14 Shadow Clan wants nothing more than to rule the world, and the only thing standing in their way is... me. 

They continue to orbit close to earth and pass by every 40 years, each time watching and waiting for the right moment to surprise me. Jokes on them I am never surprised and each time they pass within a light year of the earth I poke them all simultaneously with my left pinky toe. A move i call "Non-dominate weak side surprise strike domination" THEY NEVER SEE IT COMING MUHAHHAAHAHHAHA!! I mean who would; it’s a single skinny left pinky toe, only the most deadly ninja sneak attack EVER CREATED! This move has such force (once mastered) that it rockets them back into space for another 40 years, and I might add is something I look forward to with much glee. 

-=Ninja Technique - Barefoot Lava Surfing=-

 Training stages

1. Master surfing in the ocean

2. Spend 200 years eating polar bears and beetles, and a yeti now and then

3. Develop callous skin that resembles dragon scales up to your knees. 

4. Abandon the idea that lava is "hot and scary" by punching volcanoes in the face, 18 million reps per arm

5.  Dive into the earths core and head-butt the iron sphere causing a volcano to erupt therefore creating a "rogue lava wave" to surf.

6. Enjoy. Rinse. Repeat.

The hotness,

-R.T. Ninja

Gun Control

After counting the electrons in my laptop i have decided to take my next .00000001421 seconds to write about whatever i feel like. Do you know what i like? Gun control, once i control all the worlds guns the guns will be safe. Safe from all you people who would hurt them and manipulate them into "doing your dirty work." On many occasions i have heard the horror stories of guns being casually drowned, or those masochists who separate bullets from their casing. Guns should be fired with care, i mean we cant have them coming angry back into a workplace, that would be awkward. Listen Mr. Mac 10, please pack your things NOW, GET OUT! Yeah good idea, tell the dragon you wont be needing his slacker faced attitude and part time fire breathing skills anymore.

Those would be poor strategies, unless of course i am hired for 2 seconds a day to protect the entire world for the low price of one googleplex of Yuan. If you don't know what that is Google it, and prepare to have your mind detonated.

 I love shiny things! It's hard to be patient, i don't want to ruin this hilarious legislation from doing the work for me. Once the government has all the guns in one place I'll just acquire a new collection. Isn't politics fun, it's just favors, lies, manipulation, coverups, and power. All great ninjas principles, other than the lies manipulation and favors. 

 -=Ninja Technique - How to Control a Gun=-
The trick to taking a gun from someone else hand isn't "all in the wrist" like some hacks would suggest.
The trick lies in remembering you are invisible, and they have no chance to pull the trigger or aim the gun in the correct direction before they are already dead. Gun controlled, collection of shiny things +1.

-R.T. Ninja